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NHL's "Plan D" for the Phoenix Coyotes

By now you've all heard about Seattle being "Plan B" for the NHL, and Quebec City is likely "Plan C," but let's take a look at some little known plans for NHL's "Plan D."


From documents obtained by Five For Howling, we have learned the following details about the business plan of the potential Portland owners :

  • Cy-O Tea, will be a majority sponsor of the team, Cy-O is popular local tea company based in Portland, that you probably haven't heard of. Similar to the New York Red Bulls, the team's name will be changed in spelling only, the pronunciation will be the same. This is the maturation of the league's plan to sell advertising on team uniforms, something that was started by the "Red Wings presented by Amway".
  • Players cannot dispense water from their own water bottles. Bottles must be operated by trained water bottle attendants, for the health and safety of the players. This is a rule that won't affect the New Jersey Devils, as they have been grandfathered in.
  • Since solar powered Zambonis won't operate inside the arena, ice resurfacing will be done by burly hipsters with handcrafted push brooms.
  • The team plans on using the same uniform, but instead of the threatening Coyote head, every sweater will be emblazoned by a bird silhouette (all different).
  • Arena concessions will be awash in micro-brew hand crafted ales, wheat grass juice, fair trade organic blend coffee, and fry sauce; lots of it.
  • The new owners have pledged to install the world's largest electric vehicle recharging station/bicycle rack including several Penny-farthing spots.

These are just a few of the key points from the business plan presented to the NHL. However this plan doesn't come without its own issues. The current owner of the Portland Trailblazers has stated he doesn't want to share the arena with another professional sports team. Hopeful fans have staged a Rose Garden "sit in & dreadlocks" workshop to convince Trailblazers owner to allow a team to play there.

Full disclosure, the only real things I know about Portland are from "Portlandia", things I've looked up when I heard about the Diamondbacks getting a minor league team in Hillsboro (a suburb or Portland), and the fact I made a brief business trip there a few years ago.