Hey remember that funny business about Throwing the Snake? Well we may not be allowed to throw them, but why not wear them? Presenting.... 

Click for the page to buy

The guy(s) over at TwoEightNine.com did a bang up job designing them and the best part is that while they're 20$ each a portion (about 20% give or take) will go to Coyotes Charities if you buy one. And they're perfect for the Whiteout! 

via www.tapirback.com

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In case you haven't been on twitter there is a growing movement for me to Throw a Snake on the ice for the playoff game against the Red Wings to counter some dumb octopus. (Search for #ThrowtheSnake to find the insane growth of this topic.) Well now even my wife is on board with this  as she sent me this email.  More on this soon.

You totally have to do this.

Its your Coyotes cultural obligation.  An opportunity for you to make a tangible impact on the game of hockey in Phoenix, Arizona.    

You must throw the snake the following reasons:

1.       Phoenix fan culture is weak.  What do we have? The White Out from Winnepeg.  And 172 people who know how to cheer.  We NEED a Phoenix born tradition to latch onto.

2.       Throwing things onto the ice has long been a celebratory and honoring gesture.  Octopi for the wings, roses and little stuffed bears for the ice dancers, and now plastic snakes for the Yotes.

3.       You can impress the ladies as you pull a 12 inch (or bigger) snake from your pants. 

4.       Plastic snakes do not set off the metal detectors, making them easy to bring into the arena.  And no risk of gooey-yuck-yuck being close to your nethers.

5.       Adorable, psychic orphans in Canada been looking forward to this all year and will be devastated if you don't throw the snake.  You wouldn't let down the children, would you?

Phoenix Coyotes Fans
Jobing.com Arena
Glendale, AZ
www.fiveforhowling.com

St. Louis Blues Fans
Scottrade Center
St. Louis, MO
www.stlouisgametime.com

Dear St. Louis Blues Fans:

I'll make my case for you adopting the Coyotes as neat and sussinct as possible. In fact here's the one reason you should root for us.

Fuck Detroit.

Sincerely,

Travis Hair
Coyotes Fan Representative 

FROM THE DESK OF TRAVIS HAIR

***URGENT***

Dear Coyote Fans:

Time to BRING IT. It's official now that we'll be facing the Detroit Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs. We know what that means. No, not that we have to deal with a well coached team. No, not that they have good goaltending we have to beat. No, not that we have to pummel Tomas Holstrom about the head until he gets his ass out of the crease without getting called for interference. Rather it means we have to deal with their annoying, know-it-all, douchebag fans thinking they can come into OUR HOUSE and thinking they can run things. To that end i'm asking for you to step it up for the playoffs and do the following things. 

1. Be loud. Be louder than you've ever been. I know this isn't what you're used to, but we've got these jerks to drown out. Phoenix fans are polite and reserved at pretty much every event. Not any more. Wingers are annoying. We have to be annoying back. 
2. Bring signs to the game. It doesn't matter what they say because they aren't to show support, but just in case you have Wing fans behind you you can totally ruin their game experience and discourage them from coming to future games. 
3. Don't sell any extras to Red Wing fans. Pre-screening is the best way to keep these people out. You'll have to be tricky with your screening questions though as Red Wing fans will lie to get you to sell to them. It's what they do. 
4. Stretch out your middle fingers. You'll be needing them and don't want to cramp up at the wrong moment when you really need them. Just in case you might want to do some finger exercises. Just in case you haven't done this before do the following: First make a fist. Then extend your middle finger as far as you can upward, point your finger upward so that the underside is facing you and the outer side is pointing toward someone with a wheel on their jersey. Good job.
5. Did I mention be loud? I did? Well I'll mention it again because it's still important. I swear if people start a "Let's go Coyotes!" chant and you don't follow along we will excommunicate you from the Church of the Holy Canine. You bought a ticket, put it to good use. If you need a beer or something to loosen up to get cheering then get one. Even if the play is slow cheer, get loud, do something. 
6. Be aware that people are watching. The matchup with the Red Wings means we'll likely be on National TV once or twice in the first round. We want to represent. Don't let the media get a hold of those "the arena is half Detroit" bullshit. 
7. This is our white out. You know some jerkstore is going to show up in their solid red Wings jersey to f it up. Bring white paint. Do what comes naturally. 
8. See if you can find Wings merchandise at a discount so that you have a way to light your grills during tailgating. Red Wing flags? Burn em. Red Wings jerseys? Burn 'em. Red Wings cars? Burn 'em. Red Wings lighters? Burn 'em.
9. Buy rattlesnakes. Why? New Promotion: Anyone with an octopus automatically receives a rattlesnake in their car after the game. 
10. You'll need to bring one of those Tide Stain remover pens to get the Red Wing fan blood out of your nice white jersey. 
11. See a Wings fan around town before the game? Finger. See a car with a Wings logo? horn and finger. See a kid with a Wings logo? Report the parents to CPS because that's just not okay.
12. Do you work at the beer stand at the arena? When you see a Wings Jersey the taps are suddenly all malfunctioning. All you have left is Fresca.
13. Learn how to boo people. It's seriously okay to do. It's not classless. Boo the hell out of the Red Wings at any chance you get. Also we need to be in sync when telling either Osgood or Howard they suck.
14. If you see anyone with an octopus report them to security immediately. Just give them a nice hip check and take possession of the octopus first.

Phoenix Coyotes Fans
Jobing.com Arena
Glendale, AZ
www.fiveforhowling.com

Dallas Stars Fans
AMerican Airlines Arena
Dallas, TX
www.defendingbigd.com

Dear Dallas Stars Fans,

Hey, remember all that crap we went through with the James Neal thing a while back? Yeah... not cool. We still don't like him much, but that shouldn't stop you from rooting for the Coyotes this postseason now that you guys unfortunately won't be making the cut. Why should you root for us? I'm glad you asked!

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Five For Howling's favorite Toronto "Journalist" David Shoats once again shows why he's the "best" in the business with this gem of a story in today's globe and mail. (Screen shot just in case they take it down) In it he outlines Ice Edge's dropping out of the bidding process for the Coyotes In order to buy an even more expensive team in the Manchester United of the English Premier League. Not only that, but to quote the story he says:

Ice Edge will finance the soccer purchase, which should be in excess of $1-billion, primarily through revenue bonds issued through the Stonehenge Municipality, just outside of London, England.

So basically he's saying that they're going to line up a BILLION dollars in financing while in other stories questioning the ability of the group to get the 160 million to get the Coyotes. What's hilarious is that this news came from nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. It's not like he made it up. He got it from a "source" and actually ran with it. Why would you do that? This is quite possibly the laziest ass reporting I've ever seen! I mean I hate the guy and make no bones about that but really? Where is your journalism degree from? Cracker Jacks University? Just to note. This entire thing is false!

One thing I love too is that local reporter Brahm Resnik, who appears to be auditioning for a job with the Globe, retweeted it immediately. Then 10 minutes later it fell flat and he and Shoalts both deleted the tweets about it. Hilarious. Brahm seems a nice enough guy, but is pretty bias on this issue. 

UPDATE: It looks like the guys from IEH in fact were the ones behind the announcement. According to the Phoenix Business Journal:

The Globe and Mail went with the story and posted it on its Web site Thursday afternoon. Jones acknowledged it was all an April Fool's Day joke aimed at easing the mood around the Coyotes situation, which has been stirring passions in Canada.

Please let these guys get the team. If they're this good at F-ing with the media, actual ownership should be good times.

UPDATE 2: Per @dshoalts on twitter (David Shoalts' Twitter account): "One large mea culpa: I am sorry for being so incredibly stupid in falling for the Ice Edge "story." No excuse for this."

HAHAHAHAHAHA. That is all.

Phoenix Coyotes Fans
Jobing.com Arena
Glendale, AZ
www.fiveforhowling.com

Toronto Maple Leafs Fans
Air Canada Center Centre
Toronto, ON
www.PensionPlanPuppets.com

Dear Toronto Maple Leaf Fans,

I'm sorry I have to write this letter to you today. It's not easy telling your friends that there's pretty much no chance that they could possibly land in the Playoffs, but that's where we're at. I know it's not easy to hear, but I'm sorry. Hugs? Hugs. You can't enjoy your beloved Leafs in the PLAYOFFS!!!1 this year, but I do have the next best thing. Enjoying the Phoenix Coyotes in the PLAYOFFS!!!1 

Now I know what you're thinking, and you're right, Sarah Jessica Parker does look like a horse, but that really doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to do with what we're talking about now does it smart guy? No. No it doesn't. What i'm really here to do is tell you some of the reasons that you might consider rooting for us this postseason if you have nothing better to do. 

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The scene yesterday on the internet after the Phoenix Business Journal reported that a deal was in place with Winnipeg should the Coyotes Sale fall though. (Approximated)

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So yesterday the hockey blogoverse along with the hockey twitter everything exploded as the Phoenix Business Journal published a story online saying that there was a deal in principal with a Winnipeg group should the deal to sell the Coyotes locally fail. It took a few hours for anyone to actually find the story, but when real reporting outlets attempted to actually follow up it was quickly said that, no, this wasn't real. That didn't stop anyone hoping for a Jets return from running around in circles proclaiming they were coming back. It doesn't seem to matter what anyone says. Bill Daly denies it. "Oh it's a non denial denial. It's totally happening." This seems to be the general M.O. of all these crazies. I don't get way this happens, but I think I've finally figured out how to translate actions into the meaning to these "relocationists". Here's the Breakdown of the possible meanings behind any reaction Daly could have made...

Possibility 1:

• Phoenix Business Journal releases story, Daly says nothing.
• Relocationist reaction: ZOMG! It's happening! Daly didn't deny it at all that means it's true!!! (They then spin in circles until they pass out)

Possibility 2:

• Phoenix Business Journal releases story, Daly denies it.
• Relocationist reaction: DALY IS A DAMN LIAR! It's happening! The team is moving!

Possibility 3:

• Phoenix Business Journal releases story, Daly says denies it, Bettman denies it, Winnipeg Mayor denies it, True North denies it, your mom denies it, the Pope denies it, The Robot Pope denies it, Jesus returns to Earth with a Coyotes Jersey on and says no, the team isn't moving.
• Relocationist reaction: They're just trying to not get our hopes up, it's happening, the team is moving

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