Twenty-five alternate explanations for why Shane Doan chose Phoenix over Vancouver (a rebuttal)

Shane Doan, Captain Coyote.

You may have caught this article from Harrison Mooney over at the Vancouver Sun yesterday, in which he takes a look at the 25 possible reasons why Shane Doan chose to re-sign with the Phoenix Coyotes instead of the Vancouver Canucks. We here at Five For Howling wanted to provide our own take on why Doan chose to re-sign instead of joining the perennial underachieving Canuck team.

1 | Fears crowds; feels safe in Jobing.com Arena, where there are none.

Of course he wouldn't feel safe in Vancouver, who would after witnessing how your city deals with losses.

2 | Heard Vancouver has a revolving restaurant. Believes restaurants should stay stationary.

We've got one of those fancy rotatin' restaurants as well.

3 | Is a ghost, and ghosts can’t leave the place they died.

Explains why Luongo is still a Canuck.

Rest of the list after the Jump...

4 | All those visits to other NHL cities were just tests to see if he could go a whole night without getting emotional and calling Phoenix to come pick him up.

Better then spending every night picking up Ryan Kesler, who has fallen for the 15th time this period.

5 | Has been led to believe that there is a massive bonus at the end of your career for staying with the same franchise.

A gold watch and a banner in the rafters is a nice bonus.

6 | Is convinced he only looks good in burgundy.

Blue and green clash with his eyes.

7 | Is one stamp away from a free breakfast entrée at The Good Egg.

Meh, he prefers Matt's Big Breakfast.

8 | Was about to leave, then Phoenix said, "Whatever, do what you want."

Then Don Maloney showed up in front of his ranch with a trench coat and a boombox.

9 | Is a witch. Rain causes him to melt.

He just installed solar panels on the top of his truck to save on fuel costs driving all the way out to Glendale.

10 | Likes being able to spot family in the audience really easily.

With so many to choose from, its like a fun game of "eye spy".

11 | Steve Nash caught the last flight out.

Who?

12 | Enjoys the feeling of playing for a team he could afford if he wanted.

...and he may be using that deferred bonus to do just that.

13 | Once heard that the captain always goes down with his ship.

Yeah, because the last heart and soul captain to leave his team for a Cup in Vancouver was a huge success... Cough, cough, Mats Sundin!!

14 | Mantracker is lying in wait just outside Phoenix, waiting for him to leave.

The Doans are undefeated against the Mantracker, Shane would welcome the challenge.

15 | Has outstanding warrants all over the continent under false names.

"El Doano" was here.

16 | Hey, someone has to keep an eye on Boyd Gordon.

Yes, because if anyone is tougher than Shane, it's Boyd.

17 | Is a genie and still owes Dave Tippett one wish. Hoping it’s for freedom.

You should hear his Robin Williams impression.

18 | Really wanted to play with Roberto Luongo and just found out that he’s going to be traded.

That, and he's afraid of gingers.

19 | Can’t find his passport.

Shhh, we don't need Sheriff Joe deporting anyone for not having their papers....

20 | Coyotes were the only team to offer him what he truly wanted: friendship.

Donny and Davie entered into a "BFF pact" so yeah, it's serious.

21 | Was once sneered at by an orca. Never got over it.

Sea World can be a terrifying place when you're small kid from the prairie.

22 | Was totally sold on Gillis and Gilman’s presentation over dinner, but when they didn’t ask if he could help pay for the meal, it just didn’t feel like home.

No, Shane is just a generous guy, he used that money as a donation to a local children hospital.

23 | Doesn’t want to live in a place where it takes a whole crowd of people to overturn a car. A couple horses and some rope will do a much more efficient job.

America!

24 | The coyote is his spirit animal.

So is Homers, your point is invalid.

25 | Two words: Ostrich Festival.

Hot Chocolate Festival; "50+ Crazy Flavours!" 50!? You guys sure know how to party up there.

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