Alexander Radulov/Andrei Kostitsyn Suspension: The Real Story

Alexander Radulov #47 of the Nashville Predators reacts to the price of drinks in Old Town (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

Today it was announced that the Nashville Predator's Alexander Radulov and Andrei Kostitsyn have been suspended for Game 3 against the Phoenix Coyotes in Nashville tomorrow. This was for an incident that allegedly took place in Phoenix on Saturday night before Game 2 in Phoenix. So far the official comment on their suspension does not say specifically what the nature of the offense was, although many are speculating that it has something to do with a Nashville "dry island" policy or a curfew violation. It also seems like Radulov's play during the game has something to do with the suspension, as he was critiqued by Keith Jones and Jeremey Roenick after the game. Fortunately I know the real story, since I was with them when they were suspended.

Let me set the scene for you, as Saturday was a day that ends in "y" I was out enjoying my usual bottle of Jameson whiskey at the bar. By complete happenstance I happened to notice the two Nashville forwards coming into the bar, I recognized them from Jordan's outstanding preview of the Nashville forwards written before the series started. I invited them to sit down for a drink with me and over the course of the next hour I struck a deal with them to show them the real Phoenix under two conditions, 1) they pay for gas and 2) Radulov agreed to be my wingman. Before we left Kostitsyn slipped me a list of rules that all team members are required to follow and I assure you that there were no curfews and no rules against drinking, and neither was any of the other things we did around town. Before I get to the real reason for the suspension I'm going to tell you why everything we did around town was acceptable under the Predators' team rules:

  1. According to Rule 25.67B riding at the bull at Saddle Ranch was allowed because we didn't wear cowboy hats when we were doing it
  2. According to Rule 511.87 you are not allowed to drink your weight in Vodka, Tequila, or Canadian beers, so when we drank our weight in Kiltlifter it was fine
  3. According to Rule 2 Beta we were allowed to look but not touch, so hanging out on Van Buren was okay
  4. According to Rule 8242 we were allowed to yell at pedestrians as long as the thing you are yelling is true, which means we were allowed to call the people wearing Ed Hardy shirts in Scottsdale tools
  5. According to Rule 922 we were allowed to go to Surprise, because there is nothing to do in Surprise
  6. According to Rule 1491 we were allowed to hang out in front of the My 103.9 station and talked about how it was better when it was The Edge simply because it was true
  7. According to Rule 97 we were allowed to Bar Hop on Mill Ave because we didn't eat any fast food afterwards
  8. According to Rule 555 we were allowed to go to a party at the Vue because we left before the cops showed up.
After a long hard night I went with them to their hotel room when I noticed that David Legwand was sleeping wearing a pair of headphones. According to Kostitsyn he records a message every night before a game to psych himself up and remind him he isn't supposed to steal the puck anymore. Radulov laughed and said that he had been messing with Legwand's tapes since he arrived from the KHL and said that he tonight's message was "the puck is very hot in your hands, if you touch the puck you must immediately throw it to the ground. And we all know how that one ended:

So the real reason that Radulov and Kostitsyn were suspended wasn't the drinking and staying up all night we did the night before the game, it was because they had hypnotized David Legwand into doing the stupidest thing ever costing them a goal, which explains why they are just now getting to suspending them.

Remember this should not be taken seriously, its parody.
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