Ask FFH: Accents, Stempniak and Other Nonsense

We're not sure who they're looking out for, but rest assured, FFH is looking out for YOU.

Ask FFH is a new feature here at Five for howling Haberdashery and Nuclear Meltdown Prevention Inc. Each week (More or Less) I'll answer your questions to help out our community, the internet at large and the world by helping with your queries about no-touch icing, whether that was bad touch, or helping you reach out and touch someone. All I ask is that you please EMAIL your questions to odinmercer@gmail.com and put "Ask FFH" in the subject line. That way others don't see them ahead of time and you can write out complete questions rather than 140 character ones on twitter. If you submitted a question that wasn't answered here, fear not, I'll get to it in future editions. And with that, here we go!

Is the Phoenix Coyotes' Lee Stempniak as dreamy in real life as he is on the ice?

-LD

Well LD, rest assured Mr. Stempniak is quite dreamy off the ice. I once spoke to the man and his lovely fiancée and they were both very nice people. As others can confirm he does have nice suits and is very polite to fans and other people despite having gone to snooty Dartmouth University. 

Are British accents attractive? Part of me says yes, all accents are. But part of me hears this awful nasal accent with bad tea breath. Help?

-Couldn't Think of A Clever Ending Name

Thanks for writing in C.T.O.A.C.E.N.,

The thing is it depends on what area of G.B. they happen to hail from. Like you I find some of the accents very nice, while others are quite grating. Let's take a look at some examples. If you're talking accents like those of say, Helen Mirren or Rachel Weiss then thumbs up. If they sound more like most of the companions on Dr Who outside of Billie Piper then no, that's not very attractive, at least not to me. I guess what i'm saying is that it's 50/50 and a lot like a southern accent. It either sounds amazing, or really stupid not a whole lot in between. 

I've been considering turning vegetarian recently but I worry that this will reduce my tradition of eating the animal that the coyotes are facing that night. Any ideas where I can find a suitable non-meat alternative to duck?

Thanks,
Totally Unrelated Friend in Ontario

That's quite the tradition Tufo! Never fear though I'm here to help! Actually, once again it'll be that Asians to the rescue. Believe it or not they actually sell what's called "Mock Duck" in cans. It's basically wheat gluten which makes it high in protein pressed into bits that look like fresh plucked duck and then soaked in mostly soy sauce (and MSG) Yum! Hope that helps!

Where does that one sock go? Why is it always just one sock? Why do I never find the missing sock until I throw the remaining one away?

-Grant T.

Well Grant, don't we just have big questions to have answered? There are a lot of theories about these lost socks. Let me highlight just a few of those for you. One suggests that "Tunneling" is to blame.

Tunneling is a far-out, isn't-physics-neat sort of theory which states that, because matter is just plain weird, it's possible for matter in one part of the universe to instantaneously transport to another part of the universe. This was worked out mathematically based on such fun things as Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Wave Theory

Basically he's saying that the socks are being transported to elsewhere in the universe from your dryer. However this has not been able to yet be replicated or observed in a lab setting other than having less socks come out of the dryer. 

Another theory is the Quantum Sock Theory which you can see in full at Laundry Alternative

The quantum theory of laundry (QTL), however, can explain the fundamental questions of laundry. The QTL is base on three intuitive assumptions.

The sock never leaves the enclosed system of the washer or dryer.
While the sock is confined to the total washer system it is not confined to the main washing compartment. It may be in the main washing compartment, in the lint trap , or anywhere in between.
The sock can be expressed mathematically as a wave function of position and time (Y(x,t)).

These assumptions can be mathematically manipulated to provide a number of functions and conditions which are in close correspondence to quantum theory.

There is very little work out there on why the socks suddenly materialize when it's matching pair is removed from the premises. Maybe after so long together they sometimes develop positive and negative poles that can either attract or repel the other sock. Removing the offending polarity might make it possible for the "lost" sock to suddenly return. This is an ever expanding field though so hopefully future laundry science researchers will be able to resolve this issue for you. 

That's it for today. If you have questions for FFH that need answers please do send in your emails and we'll do our best to get them answered.

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