Phoenix to Face Detroit in First Round Matchup - Memo to Coyote Fans

FROM THE DESK OF TRAVIS HAIR

***URGENT***

Dear Coyote Fans:

Time to BRING IT. It's official now that we'll be facing the Detroit Red Wings in the first round of the playoffs. We know what that means. No, not that we have to deal with a well coached team. No, not that they have good goaltending we have to beat. No, not that we have to pummel Tomas Holstrom about the head until he gets his ass out of the crease without getting called for interference. Rather it means we have to deal with their annoying, know-it-all, douchebag fans thinking they can come into OUR HOUSE and thinking they can run things. To that end i'm asking for you to step it up for the playoffs and do the following things. 

  1. Be loud. Be louder than you've ever been. I know this isn't what you're used to, but we've got these jerks to drown out. Phoenix fans are polite and reserved at pretty much every event. Not any more. Wingers are annoying. We have to be annoying back. 
  2. Bring signs to the game. It doesn't matter what they say because they aren't to show support, but just in case you have Wing fans behind you you can totally ruin their game experience and discourage them from coming to future games. 
  3. Don't sell any extras to Red Wing fans. Pre-screening is the best way to keep these people out. You'll have to be tricky with your screening questions though as Red Wing fans will lie to get you to sell to them. It's what they do. 
  4. Stretch out your middle fingers. You'll be needing them and don't want to cramp up at the wrong moment when you really need them. Just in case you might want to do some finger exercises. Just in case you haven't done this before do the following: First make a fist. Then extend your middle finger as far as you can upward, point your finger upward so that the underside is facing you and the outer side is pointing toward someone with a wheel on their jersey. Good job.
  5. Did I mention be loud? I did? Well I'll mention it again because it's still important. I swear if people start a "Let's go Coyotes!" chant and you don't follow along we will excommunicate you from the Church of the Holy Canine. You bought a ticket, put it to good use. If you need a beer or something to loosen up to get cheering then get one. Even if the play is slow cheer, get loud, do something. 
  6. Be aware that people are watching. The matchup with the Red Wings means we'll likely be on National TV once or twice in the first round. We want to represent. Don't let the media get a hold of those "the arena is half Detroit" bullshit. 
  7. This is our white out. You know some jerkstore is going to show up in their solid red Wings jersey to f it up. Bring white paint. Do what comes naturally. 
  8. See if you can find Wings merchandise at a discount so that you have a way to light your grills during tailgating. Red Wing flags? Burn em. Red Wings jerseys? Burn 'em. Red Wings cars? Burn 'em. Red Wings lighters? Burn 'em.
  9. Buy rattlesnakes. Why? New Promotion: Anyone with an octopus automatically receives a rattlesnake in their car after the game. 
  10. You'll need to bring one of those Tide Stain remover pens to get the Red Wing fan blood out of your nice white jersey. 
  11. See a Wings fan around town before the game? Finger. See a car with a Wings logo? horn and finger. See a kid with a Wings logo? Report the parents to CPS because that's just not okay.
  12. Do you work at the beer stand at the arena? When you see a Wings Jersey the taps are suddenly all malfunctioning. All you have left is Fresca.
  13. Learn how to boo people. It's seriously okay to do. It's not classless. Boo the hell out of the Red Wings at any chance you get. Also we need to be in sync when telling either Osgood or Howard they suck.
  14. If you see anyone with an octopus report them to security immediately. Just give them a nice hip check and take possession of the octopus first.
That's all I have for the moment but expect more memos from my desk during the week.

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