A Letter to Mr. Bettman...

Dear Commissioner,

As you know, health care reform has passed in the United States, which means the world will be ending soon. We don't know when, but we know it's coming. Some of us in Phoenix have a request before that happens, and we know you are the only one to help make sure it happens.

We've been struggling for months, worried we're losing our beloved Phoenix Coyotes. Thanks to you and the league, you fought all summer and spring to see that it did not happen. Yet, as we sit here approaching end-times, there is still no resolution to the Coyotes saga.

We've heard from many who wish us ill and are railing for the Coyotes to leave and return to Canada, that you are behind the Coyotes on-ice success this season. That you've paid off the refs, or given us a favorable schedule, perhaps even getting other teams to lay down. All in an effort to help you sell the team to a local owner and to encourage local fans to return to the arena and begin spending money again on this franchise.

Normally we'd dismiss conspiracy theories like those "crazy," but with time running out we're not going to take any chances.

That said, if any of that is true we ask you do not stop now. Please make sure that at a minimum we take the Pacific Division. If we're all still around when the playoffs start we can at least hang our first "Pacific Division Champion" banner at Jobing.com.

Bettman-willing, we'll have the time to get all the way through the playoffs and hoist Lord Stanley's Cup for the first time in our history. What a beautiful moment that would be.

We thank you for your consideration on this matter and wish we didn't even have to ask. But because some are convinced you are the anti-Christ (you or Obama, it's kind of split depending if you talk to Americans or Canadians) we know it must be you who is behind our rapidly-approaching destruction. As we are going out and you'll have succeeded in destroying our world, we ask you to look deep into your black heart and do one good deed for humanity before it's over.

Regards,